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英文标题:My Hometown

内容摘要:陈惠玲的原文:  My hometown is Xinjiang,one of the five autonomous regions in our country.It lies in northwest of China 1.It is the largest province in our country,which covers one sixth of the mainland 2.  Tian Shan Mountain divides Xinjiang into t

GB/T 7714-2015 格式引文:[1].专家帮你改作文:.[J]或者报纸[N].英语沙龙:实战版,(7/20078):30-32

正文内容

  陈惠玲的原文:

  My hometown is Xinjiang,one of the five autonomous regions in our country.It lies in northwest of China 1.It is the largest province in our country,which covers one sixth of the mainland 2.

  Tian Shan Mountain divides Xinjiang into two parts 3.In the south,it is the area most minorities gathered 4.They live on moving about 5 in searching of pasture.By contrast,in the north,it is mainly the Han nationality.They live on agriculture and grow various products 6 such as cotton,corn,wheat and so on.

  My hometown is an oasis.The weather here is very hot in summer with little rain and very cold in winter with heavy snow.But in spring and autumn the weather 7 is mild.Despite of 8 the obvious difference in season,it is also an attractive place for people.

  In winter,the snow is falling 9,big flakes with the wind like feathers dancing lightly.Later,the ground is white,the house is white,and the trees are white too.Everywhere is covered with the snow 10.You will found yourself in a silvery 11 world.Now and then,you can see groups of children make snowman in the open air or play with snowball.What a vital scene it is 12!

  However,autumn is the best season with clear and crisp climate.People often call it gold season,as it is a harvest time 13.Most people here are busy with their harvest,besides the students.Although they have to working very hard from dawn to dark 14.they also feel happy from the harvest.

  My hometown is famous for its fruits,such as grape,Hami melon,watermelon,and sweet-smelling pear.It also has varied delicious nuts.In addition,here is also famous for its tourism.Every year,it attracts abundant tourists from both home and abroad coming for its beautiful scenery 15.A hot and glare flaming mountain; a cool and crisp Tian Shan-a mountain cover with snow all the year round; Tian Chi-a big nature lake with ever green trees and other beautiful scenery; a mysterious magic castle-a erode terrain with wind are all the attractive place for tourist.Together with the delicious food,the multi-culture and numerous resources,my hometown-Xinjiang draws various people's attention.

  My hometown is a multi-national area,different nationalities live together 16,which constitute a big harmonious family.People here are very hospitable,especially in minorities' area.You will not only taste a bowl of tea with milk bubbling with life but also other special delicious food when you visit the minority friend 17.

  李教授修改过的文章:

  My hometown is Xinjiang,one of the five autonomous regions in our country.As an autonomous region,it lies in the northwest of China and it is by far the largest province,in the country,whose area accounts for one sixth of the total territory of our motherland.

  As the map of Xinjiang shows,Tian Shan Mountain divides the region into two halves.The southern half is inhabited by most of the ethnic minorities.For some historical reasons,they like to move about searching for better pasture from season to season and from place to place for their cattle.By contrast,the northern half is mainly occupied by the people of Han.They are engaged mainly in farming and grow various farm produce,such as cotton,corn,wheat and so on.

  My hometown lives in an oasis.The climate there is extremely hot in summer,full of sunshine and short of rain,however,there is a lot of snow in winter and it can be very cold in the snowy days.But in spring and autumn the climate is always mild and pleasant.

  When winter comes,there is a lot of snow with us.Big snow-flakes are falling like cotton velvets dancing lightly in the wind.Later,when the ground becomes snow-covered,all the houses would become white,and the trees would be turning white too.Then,everything is snow capped.At that moment,you will find yourself in a pure silver world.Now and then,groups of children can be seen piling snowmen in the open air or playing with snowballs.What a vivid,marvelous scene we can have!

  But above all,autumn is generally regarded as the best season of a year with clear and crisp sky.As a matter of fact,autumn is called a golden season,as it is a harvest time.Most people have to keep busy with their harvest.It is on these days that you can see what the local people are gathering in.All kinds of fruit,watermelons,Hami melons,grapes,dates,and sweet-smelling pears,in addition to varied delicious nuts,for which Xinjiang is famous both at home and abroad.

  Contrast and difference as it may come about with the seasonal changes,my hometown can still be thought of as an attractive one for many people from outside.Every year,it attracts thousands and even millions of tourists both from home and abroad coming to see its beautiful scenic spots:the hot and glare flaming mountains; the cool and crisp Tian Shan with its snowcapped peaks all the year around; the picturesque Tian Chi; the mysterious magic castle.

  Along with the delicious foods,the multi-cultural and enormous resources,my hometown-Xinjiang has been drawing attention of more and more various peoples.

  My hometown is a multi-national area.Different nationalities live together,who are forming a big harmonious family.People here are very hospitable,especially the ethnic minorities.You will surely enjoy tasting a bowl of fresh tea with milk and some other special delicious foods if you have a chance to stay with a minority friend.

  总评

  本文作者的英语写作技能达到了基本上能够流畅表达思想的水平,这一点是很可贵的。不足之处似乎有三。一是有的概念表达欠准确。二是英语用词的准确性,如有些地方本来应当用名词的地方,却用了形容词。三是全文的架构,全文几乎每一段都以My hometown is开始。这固然也是一种排比手法,但其效果不见得很好。

  1.northwest在此表示方向,其前必须加定冠词。

  2.此句用the mainland不合适。因为mainland不包括我国的台湾省。

  3.two parts:应改为two halves.因为parts的意思是“部分”。新疆应当分为好多部分。这里说“天山将新疆分为南北两半”。

  4.In the south,it is the area most minorities gathered:句中thes outh和it指的是同一事物,因此造成词义重复。建议改为its southern half is occupied(或inhabited)by many ethnic minorities.

  5.They live on moving about:作者的意思指“游牧的少数民族”,说得更清楚一些可以是:Most of them are herdsmen and like to move about searching for better pasture for their cattle.

   6.grow various products:农产品应为farm produce,而不说products.

  7.weather通常指的是某一天或几天的天气,若指春天或秋天的整个季节的气候情况,则应当用 climate。这里可改成It is neither too hot nor too cold in the spring and autumn days。或说The climate in my hometown is rather mild in spring and autumn均可。

  8.Despite of是错误用法,这个表示让步意义的介词后不能加of.各种英语考试中常常将这一用法作为考点对我国英语学习者进行测试。考虑到上下文的连贯,此句删去能更便于组织下文。

  9.这里犯有英语习惯用法的错误。is faIling指一次性的描述性用法,即正在下雪。改成There is usuallya lot of snow in my hometown或It is often snowing in winter days in my hometown合适。

  10.Everywhere is covered with the snow,此句和后面的以及here is also famous for its tourism等句子,都犯了同样的错误,因为英语中地点副词是不能充当主语的。

  11.此处作者将find和found搞混了。应将 found改为find。a silvery world应改为a silver world。虽然silvery也指“银色的”,如说silvery hair,silvery light.但用来修饰漫天大雪把大地变成了“银色世界”时,用silver world更贴切。其实silver也有“银色的”意思,如说silver dew(银色的露珠),the silver moon(皓月),silver hair(银发)等。用silver或 silvery做定语修饰气候名词的差别在于修饰语所表达的描述意义形象性程度不同。silver world似乎说明冰雪的世界更像银子。

  12.scene通常指布景、道具,人为安排的场面。大自然的景观多用sight。指景观、奇观、值得一看之物。此句改为“What a splendid sight full of vitality!”更好些。

  13.People often call it这句话的意思是通的,但句中有几个说法不符合英语的习惯用法。把秋天称作黄金季节中,黄金季节英语不说gold season,而说golden season.People often call it gold season,虽然不错,但通常用被动语态好些。将此句改为It is often said autumn is the golden season,for it is the season for harvesting更顺些。

  14.这句话的语法问题是:have to是情态助动词,后面应接动词原形,而不是动词的-ing形式。当我们修饰工作忙碌时,说work from morning till night,也可以说:from dawn till dusk,但没有见过from dawn to dark的用法。在我们用英语写作文的时候,一定要注意自己所用的成语或惯用法,一定要是说英语为本族语人使用过的,而不能自己杜撰。

  15.这句话用词有几处不当。一是abundant只能用来修饰物质名词,如abundant supply,abundant natural resources等。但不能用来修饰人或动物,如不能用来修饰tourists或visitors,horses等。故应改为lots of或large numbers of。再者,from both home and abroad coming for its beautiful scenery这一部分也有问题.both...and是作为并列连词引出from home and abroad的,因此,应改为both from home and abroad,而不应当将both放在from之后。另外, scenery泛指整体的景色,而不指具体的景点。故可将这句话改为it attracts innumerous(或thousands of,或millions of tourists)both from home and abroad who are coming to see its beautiful scenery places.

  16.这句话语法有问题。different nationalities live together和逗号前的a multi-national area是什么关系,让人费解。

  17.这句话的骨架部分not only和but also所述的内容是不对称的。a bowl of tea和other special delicious food也不对称。实际上作者想说的是other special delicious foods应改为a minority friend,因为作者这里肯定不是确指“哪个朋友”。

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